It is interesting. People, strangers, talk to me now. There were 2 people, 2!, who struck up a convo with me at the bus stop last night. And they weren't weirdos, but normal everyday people. Imagine that!?! I've noticed this since being back from training. As I was reminded by a fellow trainee facebook friend, Boss told us our friends, families and relatives will see us differently after training. I think this is true, especially since I feel so different after training. I still can't quite put my finger on it, but there is something different about me now and I like it. I feel softer, calmer, more at peace with me, flaws and all.
So I am back to a day job now and there was a coworker of mine who came to talk to me about stuff and it got me thinking. She was saying how she wants to be a better woman so those characteristics would reflect in her children. I immediately thought of yoga of course and then also about my negative world views. See, I think there is a lot of change that our society can benefit from. If we were a closer knit community of people rather than a bunch of individuals then I think we would treat others and the earth differently. When people have a regular yoga practice they often take the principles they learn in class off the mat and into the real world. That's what so cool about yoga is that it makes you better so you can go out into the world and treat others better. What a circle, eh?... Qualities like patience, acceptance, tolerance and focus can't help but foster and spill over into our everyday lives. We could all benefit from a little dose of those qualities from time to time. It is nice to see I am possibly projecting those qualities outward. Making the world a better place one person at a time.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Home Sweet Home
Here I am, back in Seattle and back home! There is a lot to recover from after TT most of it being mental. Teacher training is such a mind fuck. For me it was. And then WHAM! You are back home and everything feels weird. You are shocked people have the audacity to wear anything green and you also want to clap for everything that happens in life especially after yoga class. Those who have gone to TT understand what you have gone through but you're friends and loved ones mostly will not. My fiancee has done several long term silent meditation retreats so he completely understands the readjustment period. Mostly, I can't believe how tired I am. I am also a lot more chill and laid back interestingly enough cause I didn't really feel that way while I was there. Thankfully my body is not perpetually sore and stiff. Normal yoga class has been a bit weird to get used to. I became very accustomed to practicing in a big room filled to the brim and to go back to a tiny room with a max capacity of 42 peeps feels a tad claustrophobic. Teacher training also got me very used to not being able to see myself in the mirror, so it will take me some time to get used to looking at myself in the eyes again. Another thing I can relate to newcomers with. I have to admit, it is a little off putting to look at yourself in the eye. It's almost as if you are afraid to see something bad or negative. Took class yesterday, Thanksgiving, and thankfully the room was filled beyond capacity, and I was more able to look at myself in the mirror that time. By the end of the separate leg series I was smiling at myself.
So.....the million dollar question?.....How was teacher training? Teacher training was fucking crazy man and being back home is weird. Weird in a good way though. I think the moral of the story for me was self love and acceptance. I love myself a lot more now than I did before training and I accept myself more openly now and I consider these very priceless gifts. Pretty much every possible thing that could happen to me there did. I bled on my towel during class, got a minor head cold, was gassy, was constipated, was NOT constipated, had insatiable hunger, wasn't hungry, had insatiable thirst, wasn't thirsty for a whole week!, got yelled at by boss during class, was mean to people, was nice to people, hated training, loved training, slept during the floor series of the morning classes all of week 5 and I even had a little roomie drama too! Those are a few things that I can remember off the top of my head. The only thing that leaves a sour taste to me was my roomie. We were email buddies for a few months prior to training and seemed pretty compatible. And we were for the most part, just not really compatible as friends. I had a really hard emotional time at training as I am a pretty self loathing type sometimes. That was just my reality at training. It was painfully hard to be away from my family and support system and to be constantly surrounded by 400+ people is really difficult. Training for her was a breeze, or so it seemed. And that's good for her. I'm glad we both had the experiences we had at training because I learned from them. I think what was the real bummer with that situation was that I had expectations. Just like expecting to rock it in yoga class only to be hit by the yoga bus 20 minutes into class. I expected to like her and for us to be besties and when that wasn't happening I didn't know what to do. I should have gone to her and told her what was up, but I just didn't know how. So, I pretty much did nothing and our chemistry never got off the ground and so we ended up going our separate ways. And I feel pretty guilty about it all. But it is what it is and all I can do is learn from it. I'm still glad we roomed up and I totally wish her well on her journey.
When I graduated and got my certificate from Boss I stopped and took a good look at it. The certificate read that the above person, that would be me, has successfully completed all the necessary requirements of the course. And I feel pretty good about that part. I can say that I didn't sleep through a single solitary lecture. I tried to sleep during a movie or 2 but always got woken up right away so I ended up giving up trying and just sat through it. Did I understand all that was covered? Hell to the naw! But at least the experience is in there somewhere and I can call upon it when it makes sense to me. There were a lot of people who habitually slept through most, if not all, lectures and/or movies. It was a bit disappointing to me. TT is not a yoga retreat where you do yoga twice a day and call it quits. It's an intensive program to learn about Bikram yoga, the benefits of it, the philosophy of it as well as the anatomy of it directly from the source. It was also hugely disrespectful and a total waste of your money. I got a sense of how lucky we were to be getting lectures from Bikram, Rajashree
Speaking of teaching....I have thus far taught a mock class and I can say that it went pretty well. I have some things to work on and rights and lefts to figure out. I hope to always have things to work on. Most of the dialogue is there, but I was surprised at how much didn't come out and I have to change some of my speaking tone. In balancing stick and triangle it sounds like I'm talking too fast. Which I am! There's a lot of dialogue in there man!!! But yeah, gotta trim the fat and not sound like I'm calling for a fire drill. I can't wait to be unleashed on the general public!!!! My first official class is Dec 1st a 6am! Then I am teaching 4 classes a week in December. I am back to the ole desk job for right now and I have to say it's weird. Everything is weird after training. Your vibe radar is on super high sensitive mode and you can feel every one's craziness, sorry everyone for sounding judgemental really I'm not. I hope it calms down too, or that I adjust to it soon. The desk job is weird because I just don't feel like I belong there anymore. This is not where I am supposed to be so it naturally feels awkward, like awkward part 2 kinda awkward. And I wonder how I will keep this job when I start to teach full time. Most of my heart tells me to just quit the silly job. I'm so glad I have it so that I can pay my bills right now and get some savings going for a car. There is only a very small faint voice of fear telling me to keep the hospital job for per Diem status. I think I might do that even though I prolly won't want to work there anymore.
So this is it....my status post training update people! I can't thank you guys enough for following my blog and commenting and showing your support during training. It meant the world to me when I felt lost and alone to know there were people routing me on from afar. I started this blog to document my experience before and during TT and I feel like I have done that. This blog has really been a great tool for me. I have left a lot of heart and soul on these interweb pages and it has helped me process a lot of confusing stuff. So I'm gonna keep it going. I want to keep talking about my teaching experience and I feel as though this is the proper forum to do that. So keep watching kids! I'll be updating as I see fit or the need arises. As always, any questions at all can be sent to teachbikramorbust@yahoo.com! Here are some graduation pictures....
So.....the million dollar question?.....How was teacher training? Teacher training was fucking crazy man and being back home is weird. Weird in a good way though. I think the moral of the story for me was self love and acceptance. I love myself a lot more now than I did before training and I accept myself more openly now and I consider these very priceless gifts. Pretty much every possible thing that could happen to me there did. I bled on my towel during class, got a minor head cold, was gassy, was constipated, was NOT constipated, had insatiable hunger, wasn't hungry, had insatiable thirst, wasn't thirsty for a whole week!, got yelled at by boss during class, was mean to people, was nice to people, hated training, loved training, slept during the floor series of the morning classes all of week 5 and I even had a little roomie drama too! Those are a few things that I can remember off the top of my head. The only thing that leaves a sour taste to me was my roomie. We were email buddies for a few months prior to training and seemed pretty compatible. And we were for the most part, just not really compatible as friends. I had a really hard emotional time at training as I am a pretty self loathing type sometimes. That was just my reality at training. It was painfully hard to be away from my family and support system and to be constantly surrounded by 400+ people is really difficult. Training for her was a breeze, or so it seemed. And that's good for her. I'm glad we both had the experiences we had at training because I learned from them. I think what was the real bummer with that situation was that I had expectations. Just like expecting to rock it in yoga class only to be hit by the yoga bus 20 minutes into class. I expected to like her and for us to be besties and when that wasn't happening I didn't know what to do. I should have gone to her and told her what was up, but I just didn't know how. So, I pretty much did nothing and our chemistry never got off the ground and so we ended up going our separate ways. And I feel pretty guilty about it all. But it is what it is and all I can do is learn from it. I'm still glad we roomed up and I totally wish her well on her journey.
When I graduated and got my certificate from Boss I stopped and took a good look at it. The certificate read that the above person, that would be me, has successfully completed all the necessary requirements of the course. And I feel pretty good about that part. I can say that I didn't sleep through a single solitary lecture. I tried to sleep during a movie or 2 but always got woken up right away so I ended up giving up trying and just sat through it. Did I understand all that was covered? Hell to the naw! But at least the experience is in there somewhere and I can call upon it when it makes sense to me. There were a lot of people who habitually slept through most, if not all, lectures and/or movies. It was a bit disappointing to me. TT is not a yoga retreat where you do yoga twice a day and call it quits. It's an intensive program to learn about Bikram yoga, the benefits of it, the philosophy of it as well as the anatomy of it directly from the source. It was also hugely disrespectful and a total waste of your money. I got a sense of how lucky we were to be getting lectures from Bikram, Rajashree
Speaking of teaching....I have thus far taught a mock class and I can say that it went pretty well. I have some things to work on and rights and lefts to figure out. I hope to always have things to work on. Most of the dialogue is there, but I was surprised at how much didn't come out and I have to change some of my speaking tone. In balancing stick and triangle it sounds like I'm talking too fast. Which I am! There's a lot of dialogue in there man!!! But yeah, gotta trim the fat and not sound like I'm calling for a fire drill. I can't wait to be unleashed on the general public!!!! My first official class is Dec 1st a 6am! Then I am teaching 4 classes a week in December. I am back to the ole desk job for right now and I have to say it's weird. Everything is weird after training. Your vibe radar is on super high sensitive mode and you can feel every one's craziness, sorry everyone for sounding judgemental really I'm not. I hope it calms down too, or that I adjust to it soon. The desk job is weird because I just don't feel like I belong there anymore. This is not where I am supposed to be so it naturally feels awkward, like awkward part 2 kinda awkward. And I wonder how I will keep this job when I start to teach full time. Most of my heart tells me to just quit the silly job. I'm so glad I have it so that I can pay my bills right now and get some savings going for a car. There is only a very small faint voice of fear telling me to keep the hospital job for per Diem status. I think I might do that even though I prolly won't want to work there anymore.
So this is it....my status post training update people! I can't thank you guys enough for following my blog and commenting and showing your support during training. It meant the world to me when I felt lost and alone to know there were people routing me on from afar. I started this blog to document my experience before and during TT and I feel like I have done that. This blog has really been a great tool for me. I have left a lot of heart and soul on these interweb pages and it has helped me process a lot of confusing stuff. So I'm gonna keep it going. I want to keep talking about my teaching experience and I feel as though this is the proper forum to do that. So keep watching kids! I'll be updating as I see fit or the need arises. As always, any questions at all can be sent to teachbikramorbust@yahoo.com! Here are some graduation pictures....
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| Final tea out before graduation |
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| that was my seat!!!! |
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| don't you just LOVE the ladder in the background. it really tied the room together |
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| TOES ON THE LINE BITCHES!!!!!! |
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| Meredith! love and miss this one!!!! |
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| thank the sweet lord i was right besides Mr Hurt |
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| hi nate! |
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| thank god charlotte was right next to me! |
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| me and sara had the same style hair |
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| my mom took this pic as she streamed the graduation ceremony live! Boss told me, "you look hot mama" cause I did!!!! |
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| Me and Michon, super sweet! |
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| OMG OMG OMG! all i wanted for graduation was a photo op with dr p! and i got one!!!!! |
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| nough said... |
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| EDDIEEEEE! loved his smile and his bow tie! |
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| Erik, my DOOM brother |
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| bishnu gosh |
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| heater vents of mass destruction! |
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| and it all ends with a bubble bath.... |
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| even on the airplane there is studying to be had.... |
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| this is what happens when you let your komboucha ferment for 12 weeks....LOTS of babies! |
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| this one still won't leave me alone... |
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| good ole Seattle doesn't disappoint |
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| and it all ends with a bath. i sure did miss my bath time buddies! |
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| pocket likes to keep watch on the floor.... |
Friday, November 18, 2011
Emotions
Well, here it is folks....THE LAST DAY OF TRAINING! It is funny because I am feeling all the possible emotions there are to feel about today and as well as my experience here. This whole training has felt at times very weird and also very awesome. Words can't begin to describe how proud I am of myself. Coming to teacher training and also being a Bikram yoga teacher is something I never thought I was good enough to do. But now I know that is not true. I think the main lesson I have learned here at training is that I should drop the "I can't" from my vocabulary and replace it with "I try". This is an attribute that makes Bikram, Rajashree, Emmy, Jakob from NY, Lisa Johnson, Jack X and all the other countless teachers who have impacted my journey here different. "I can't" is not within their practice. It's more like "I try". Bikram often says here that yoga is not about doing it's about trying. I tried my best while I was here and there are some things I would do differently of course, but that is not the point. I have learned from those things and I'm not dwelling in them and using them to beat myself up or feel guilty. It was my experience and my truth and I am so very proud of myself, "mistakes" and all.
So here is a blog toast to the last day at training. Excuse me in advance if my last week wrap up is a tad late as I will be home and celebrating my return to the real world, as scary as that sounds.....
So here is a blog toast to the last day at training. Excuse me in advance if my last week wrap up is a tad late as I will be home and celebrating my return to the real world, as scary as that sounds.....
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Group 9 Posture Clinic A Photo Essay
I felt inspired to post again after returning from dinner with my posture clinic group. My friend, Jyothir, gave a wonderful heartfelt speech that reminded me of all the similarities we share in this experience. We all came here, most people I know anyways, scared outta our minds and totally overwhelmed by the baffling process that is Bikram yoga teacher training. Our experiences here have showed us all that we are brave, fearless and ok who we are. That we have the power within to accomplish unthinkable goals. Take a look at these pics my friends, because I have learned something from all the people pictured here and I am a better person because of it. There is a little bit of all of these people within me now. How fucking rad is that!?!
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| This is Allyah and she made personal awards for us all. How sweet! |
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| Awwww Kam sweet Kam! I heart her very much! |
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| Meredith John! She's basically awesome |
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| Bridgette, our token Aussie with spot on dialogue |
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| Lisa J. Funny gal this one |
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| Zach, he likes my laugh. I know it's blurry but I LOVE his smile in this |
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| A little more clear |
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| Miriam, the kill em with kindness lady. |
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| Aw Katirina. Her last name is very cool cause she's from Slovakia |
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| Hi Charlotte! |
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| I will perpetually see Lisa I with muscles all over and I can't stop talking to her about them. Halloween...nough said |
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| Johanna got the most chill award and it's so very fitting. |
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| ALICE! Hi Alice! |
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| Lenka's name makes me think of Zelda, don't ask me why. Oh and she's an actress. That's right, I know an actress! |
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| Carlos fed all our sexy man cravings while at posture clinics |
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| JYOTHIR!!!! All that emcompasses her will not fit in a blog caption. She's ahhh-mazing. |
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| This was mine and for those who know me it's mega fitting. |
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| Ah Tyna with a "Y". Small and mighty and so very cute! |
Week 8
Ahhhh week 8...the week of the headphones. And it's not just me, I've been noticing lots of people just jamming away with their headphones between every possible break. For me it's before and after yoga before and after lecture. Having a constant soundtrack to my life makes me smile. It's much better than hearing all the load ass chitter chatter that happens during all the waiting. This week has been a long one but a good one for sure. We got to have posture clinic again but this time we got to string together 3 postures and that was great! It felt way more closer to normal than just saying one posture and getting critique on that. I have to say that I am just so very excited to come home and TEACH! Holy hell! I'm jut beyond tickled with myself right now. I can't believe I did it. I have completed so many countless yoga classes and learned more than I know about myself, others and YOGA! I am so proud of myself and so very proud to be a part of this big dysfunctional Bikram yoga fam.
Week 8 has also been the week of lectures. Lectures from doctors, Rajashree (insert swooning voice here) and Boss. It is hard to follow Bikram's lectures but I think I got the gist of what he's trying to say thanks to watching countless clips of him from the 80's-90's where he said the same shit. How commendable is that!?! Most people I know change their stance on things a lot, myself very much included in that category. Not Boss. He has consistently been touting the benefits of Bikram yoga for at least 35 years now. Wow! Most of which are....a healthy spine = a healthy life, people have a hard life because of lack of self realization. Now that's something I can most certainly relate to! I mean, that's totally what my whole "ms tattoo what the fuck you doing" incident was all about. That's why he gets so frustrated with us in class sometimes. We can do all these crazy impressive things but instead we choose to limit ourselves. We tell ourselves we can't, we shouldn't, we are too this or too that. That's not the point. We are all capable of greatness and we should realize that and start living life from there. Lecture is not a popular subject around here. But I just don't like being crammed in an airplane type seat for hours on end. If we combined all the hours we have spent sitting in a crammed uncomfortable seat we could have prolly flown around the world a few times by now. But the subject matter of lecture is so rad!
I have followed many of TT blogs and a lot of them had stated that it would take them a while after training to fully grasp and understand what happened to them while they were here. Reading those things as an outsider didn't really make a whole lot of sense. But now they do. It will definitely take a while for me to fully understand what happened to me here at TT. In the beginning of training I felt like there was no way in hell that I would ever be coming back for anything other than to re certify. But those feelings have certainly changed within these past couple weeks and I have slowly started to accept the fact that I will be coming back to training. I totally want to remain close to the source in my teaching. I can now see how it helps teachers to assist with posture clinics and be a source of support for the trainees. It has been such a very cool and priceless experience watching the people in my posture clinic blossom and I want to be a part of those experiences again. Most def do. It will prolly take me a year to make it back to training, but after that I hope to come to training at least once a year. Man o man would it be so fucking awesome to actually have the opportunity to teach a class at training. Eventually, or in the future. hahaha.
Even though my yoga practice right now is beyond laughable (I can't balance on one leg or do floor bow to save my life), I am still feeling mentally happy and optimistic. Optimistic about most things in life actually. I feel like I am finally a part of the solution; even if it's my opinion of what I think is the solution. It is such a change from how I felt when I first came here. While my job is a honest/noble/"good" job it never quelled that "this isn't right for me" feeling. Not to mention the emotional toll it takes to care for sick people in the hospital, a lot of who die including children and babies. And it took me a while before I was ok with the idea of letting go of the "benefits" of having said job. Health insurance, paid vaca, paid sick time, steady income. All those things are great but they can be emotional traps and have yet to make up for all the emotional unrest that comes with working in a hospital. To be honest I am still a little nervous about letting all those things go. But you have to take risks in life right. If you can you must. Like I can do triangle now so I must. I can be a decent Bikram yoga teacher so I must. I can follow my heart so I must. Take a risk, be brave and let your heart be the guide. These are some of the lessons I am learning here at training.
hollaring and ka kawing (don't ask) "I LOVE YOGA" sit up hollas, tickling, armpit hair pulling, laughing and just your general shenanigans in class and it's SO MUCH FUN! Today, our last Saturday class, was pure debauchery at it's best. We were throwing each others mats to the back, laughing ourselves out of triangle, spreading giggles to the rows in front of us, pushing my neighbor out of tree, "MAMA GIMME MONEY!!!!". It was so wonderful and so funny cause at first the teacher was telling us to have fun with yoga and then telling us to calm down and be serious. hahahaha. So good. Only at training. Only at training. Well, I hope not. I love a fun yoga class. As Bikram says, yoga is boring you have to entertain them. So, I will do my best to have fun in yoga class. Let it all go there. All of it.
Week 8 has also been the week of lectures. Lectures from doctors, Rajashree (insert swooning voice here) and Boss. It is hard to follow Bikram's lectures but I think I got the gist of what he's trying to say thanks to watching countless clips of him from the 80's-90's where he said the same shit. How commendable is that!?! Most people I know change their stance on things a lot, myself very much included in that category. Not Boss. He has consistently been touting the benefits of Bikram yoga for at least 35 years now. Wow! Most of which are....a healthy spine = a healthy life, people have a hard life because of lack of self realization. Now that's something I can most certainly relate to! I mean, that's totally what my whole "ms tattoo what the fuck you doing" incident was all about. That's why he gets so frustrated with us in class sometimes. We can do all these crazy impressive things but instead we choose to limit ourselves. We tell ourselves we can't, we shouldn't, we are too this or too that. That's not the point. We are all capable of greatness and we should realize that and start living life from there. Lecture is not a popular subject around here. But I just don't like being crammed in an airplane type seat for hours on end. If we combined all the hours we have spent sitting in a crammed uncomfortable seat we could have prolly flown around the world a few times by now. But the subject matter of lecture is so rad!
I have followed many of TT blogs and a lot of them had stated that it would take them a while after training to fully grasp and understand what happened to them while they were here. Reading those things as an outsider didn't really make a whole lot of sense. But now they do. It will definitely take a while for me to fully understand what happened to me here at TT. In the beginning of training I felt like there was no way in hell that I would ever be coming back for anything other than to re certify. But those feelings have certainly changed within these past couple weeks and I have slowly started to accept the fact that I will be coming back to training. I totally want to remain close to the source in my teaching. I can now see how it helps teachers to assist with posture clinics and be a source of support for the trainees. It has been such a very cool and priceless experience watching the people in my posture clinic blossom and I want to be a part of those experiences again. Most def do. It will prolly take me a year to make it back to training, but after that I hope to come to training at least once a year. Man o man would it be so fucking awesome to actually have the opportunity to teach a class at training. Eventually, or in the future. hahaha.
Even though my yoga practice right now is beyond laughable (I can't balance on one leg or do floor bow to save my life), I am still feeling mentally happy and optimistic. Optimistic about most things in life actually. I feel like I am finally a part of the solution; even if it's my opinion of what I think is the solution. It is such a change from how I felt when I first came here. While my job is a honest/noble/"good" job it never quelled that "this isn't right for me" feeling. Not to mention the emotional toll it takes to care for sick people in the hospital, a lot of who die including children and babies. And it took me a while before I was ok with the idea of letting go of the "benefits" of having said job. Health insurance, paid vaca, paid sick time, steady income. All those things are great but they can be emotional traps and have yet to make up for all the emotional unrest that comes with working in a hospital. To be honest I am still a little nervous about letting all those things go. But you have to take risks in life right. If you can you must. Like I can do triangle now so I must. I can be a decent Bikram yoga teacher so I must. I can follow my heart so I must. Take a risk, be brave and let your heart be the guide. These are some of the lessons I am learning here at training.
hollaring and ka kawing (don't ask) "I LOVE YOGA" sit up hollas, tickling, armpit hair pulling, laughing and just your general shenanigans in class and it's SO MUCH FUN! Today, our last Saturday class, was pure debauchery at it's best. We were throwing each others mats to the back, laughing ourselves out of triangle, spreading giggles to the rows in front of us, pushing my neighbor out of tree, "MAMA GIMME MONEY!!!!". It was so wonderful and so funny cause at first the teacher was telling us to have fun with yoga and then telling us to calm down and be serious. hahahaha. So good. Only at training. Only at training. Well, I hope not. I love a fun yoga class. As Bikram says, yoga is boring you have to entertain them. So, I will do my best to have fun in yoga class. Let it all go there. All of it.
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| Yes, Jimmy Legs, I will be home to soon to share my bananas with you. |
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| This is Pocket's can I have a banana face.... |
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| Awwww |
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| I will smooch your FACE! |
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| Sunbathers. |
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| Look, it's Val, another sunbather |
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| All my friends love to draw on me |
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| Fascia is a running joke around here. Go to TT and find out why |
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| Yay! Dani brought the hounds! |
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| I will eat the cuteness out of you! |
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