Week 6

Man, what can I say about week 6?...  Oh, I know, FUCK week 6!  This week has sucked balls man.  Big time!  It's by far been the toughest week of training thus far.  Which is good, you know how I learn in the midst of the struggle.  The early week started of with a major case of the blues and I cried all through Monday mornings class.  This whole week I could barely look at myself in the mirror.  Wow.  Talk about some major stuff.  I just couldn't look myself in the eye this week.  I didn't want to see my sadness; it was just all too much to feel it inside me.  Like I said, it's been a rough week.  All the words that exist to describe emotions, I felt them this week and then I came up with some new ones too.  And I'm just so ridiculously tired.  So tired, in fact, that I can barely keep my eyes open for yoga classes.  We've been really fortunate to have not had too many late nights here at training...yet....but I don't think that getting to bed at 1130 would be any different than getting to bed at 330.  We are all that tired.  It's crazy wild.  I've simply never experienced anything like this before ever. 

My emotional limits were tested during lecture at the end of the week from the fascia guy.  Lesson of that lecture, and for future trainees, don't let him steal your peace.  His opinions were very intriguing and interesting and I appreciate and even agree with his baseline opinions but not his extremist beliefs.  To each their own, I guess.  I'm not a big fan of extremist of any type.  It's like what Emmy Cleaves told us, to not expect yoga to heal or cure everything cause it won't.  That pretty much sums up my attitude for life.  Approaching all our journeys in life with a multitude of tools is the best way to go.  But, then again, that's my opinion.

So, in the midst of my "fuck week 6" attitude, I've learned something!  I've been digging my heels in and fighting the teacher training process to my utmost capability and it has definitely cause the experience here to be more difficult than need be.  Wow!  Kinda like yoga, right.  When I fight the yoga process it's harder to do class.  When I practice yoga from my brain rather than my heart it makes class a lot less fun.  And I know a yoga practice is not supposed to be fun and easy always, but your heart is better capable to fight those battles than your mind is.  Let it go.  Turn it over.  Don't listen to that voice that tells you to sit this one out.  Cause your brain is usually wrong anyways. 

That's about all I have to say for this week and I hope this post makes sense cause I feel like it's really hard to formulate and express my thoughts right now.  There's just so much dialogue and emotions and "stuff" in there right now.  Another fun thing is that I'm teaching my French Swiss friend, Val, loads of American slang and it's oh so much fun.  Guess it's a good trade for her trying to teach me French.  She loves the American language and loves learning and using the slang.  It's the cutest and coolest thing in the world to hear her say "hella" or "rad".  So totally rad!  hahaha.  Thanks so much for following my blog everyone!  It truly means a lot to me!  Here are some fun pics from the week.  I hope they make you laugh and smile as much as they were to take them. 

This is my mom and step dad Frank dressed up for their Halloween party!  My mom's the coolest

Don't ask me why but I went to downtown disney with an old friend of mine and tried on all these hats and made funny faces.

See how excited I am to be at DisneyLand....

Hmmmm....I'm thinking about something

This face really does match that hat

As does this one

My tribute to Charlie the Angry Unicorn

Chris and I got the rare opportunity to escape into a sun patch during the week.

Our hotel lobby was filled with very cool ass pumpkins the Radisson staff did

Glamma, Dani and Chris

So much fun!

It's very tiring scaring away all the crows

Hello crow I will eat your FACE

Ummmmmm

Silly face for a silly roommate

Sara gave me this super dope card. 

MMmmmm...frozen yogurt.....

Feelings Are Fleeting

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That wasn't me who farted I swear...

Week 5

Man.  Another week and I feel like I've just blinked my eyes.  So crazy.  This week has been an interesting week for sure.  Lots of people having a very hard emotional week.  I've been ok this week and I think it is because I had a real emotionally trying time a couple weeks ago.  The finish line is visible from here and I think that is what is quelling my spirits.  I also feel like I've finally found my footing here and feel more confident and comfortable in my own skin.  It was really weird here at first, like where do I fit in here in this lovely yoga bubble.  My answer, I am exactly where I need to be as the person I am today.  That was very comforting to my mind.  I've just been doing my best and being honest with what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it.

Another interesting thing happened this week.  Boss is back and has been teaching a couple classes.  I've been hanging tough out in the middle the past few weeks and its been fine......that is until Boss taught.  I was second row kitty corner to the podium.  He started his calling out early like always and I was thinking to  myself, "man, I feel bad for those people cause once he gets you in your radar you never loose him".  Then I hear, "Ms tattoo!  Sit DOWN!" during awkward part 2 first set.  Oh man.  Then in standing head to knee, first set, "Ms tattoo, kick out!  Why you not kicking out when I say kick out!?!!!  Why!  Answer me!!!!!".  I couldn't answer all I could do is look at him take it and smile back.  What could I say.  He caught me fair and square, being fucking lazy!!!!  See people say Bikram can see right through you, and for my experience it was true.  He was totally calling me out on my perpetual bullshit.  Standing Head to Knee posture is a "late blooming" posture for me and it's simply because of my self worth issues.  I just don't think I'm good enough to kick out and be able to someday finish the posture.  I often times don't think I'm skinny enough, or flexible enough, or strong enough or insert the blank enough to accomplish some of the postures and therefor I often times don't try hard.  "Ms tattoo, your elbows are BENDING!"  I didn't take this experience as a negative one, I took it as a good one.  He secretly, no it's not a secret, he loves me enough to tell me the truth.  So what have I learned from this experience....try harder!  Kill yourself for 90 minutes because I'm fucking worth it!  So I've been sitting down low low low in awkward part 2, I'm kicking out in all sets all sides of SH2K ( and when I fall out I pick it right back up and try again), I'm getting my abdomen and chest parallel to the floor in standing bow, I'm locking EVERYTHING in balancing stick (EVERY MUSCLE CONTRACTED!!!!!).

Smoothie Study Smoothie Study Study Study Study

I've learned a lot about myself and my practice this week thanks to Boss.  And I've been able to be honest with people who come up to see if I was ok.  You know what he's right and I don't think many people feel the same way when he yells at people during training.  I'm so fortunate to have had this experience with Boss this week cause it is totally a different experience being on the receiving end of him during class.  Taking class from Bikram at training (cause I've heard he is WAY different when he teaches the public so don't be scared fellow practitioners) is all a lesson in keeping your peace.  The first day he was back when he taught and then lectured to us, he was telling us how proud he was of us during class cause he was ranting and raving and we just stood there smiling.  No reaction, just maintaining our peace.  THIS IS SO IMPORTANT PEOPLE!!!!  He always says, "I will make you bullet proof, sex proof, money proof, relationship proof, everything proof" and it's so true.

All that for nothing....But hey, it's all a learning process......

I think this is the most important attribute to him, not to let anyone steal your peace.  It's definitely something I take very seriously and I think it's something a lot of the trainees are having a hard time with.  One of the staff members who was leading a posture clinic spoke a little about it too.  He was saying that it's all about attitude.  If you hear we are going to have another late night movie and immediately start bitching and complaining and moaning about it then it's going to be a more painful experience for you.  But if you have the attitude of just rolling with it and see what happens then it's going to be a much more painless experience.  There were some people talking about how they were going to try escaping from the movie.  My plan, I'm just gonna suck it up.  It's part of training.  If you don't want to experience being sleep deprived and all that then don't come.  Besides, the staff are way more ahead of you on that one than you may think and then we will all suffer for it.  There is a lot of anxiety around the uncertainty of not knowing what we will be doing next.  Will we have posture clinic...will there be a movie...will Boss be teaching....will we have lecture....  All this causes anxiety and stress and doesn't help your experience while you're here.  Let it go.  This is what I've been trying to practice.  Let it go.  It doesn't matter and we will find out what we are doing next soon enough.  Go with the flow and maintain your peace as much as possible.  It's been hard for me letting go of control over my schedule.  It's not easy, but doing so has created a much better atmosphere for me here. 

I'm so excited for week 6!  I'm almost home and, most importantly, almost graduated!!!!!!  I literally can't believe it.  And sometimes there is this fear in me like "how the hell am I going to teach a class".  But I'm trying to have faith that it will all work out like everyone says it does.  I have to be confident that my body and mind know this yoga and that I have put forth enough study effort to be able to teach a good class.  I know it will take me a long time to digest all that is happening to me here.  I can't wait cause I can't wait to share it with my students.  I've also been blessed with visitors while I've been here.  Kim, Katy and JACK have been here and then Sara comes this week!!!!!!  It's truly been so wonderful having visitors.  I haven't seen Jack for years and he was a friend of mine before he started his practice and then we used to practice together.  It was awesome to see him for sure especially under the circumstances.  Thanks so much for all the people taking the time to read my blog.  You are my inspiration for being here and it keeps my spirits up.  I hope you all have gotten something from my words.  Till next weekend my friends! 

Jack and Me!!!!

Trick or Treat!  Looking forward to seeing everyone's Halloween costume!!!

Cause it's Thursday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaCodgL9cvk

Week 4

Wow, it def feels good to say that.  Week 4 has come and gone in a blink of an eye and I'm also happy to report that I didn't cry once this week.  That's right people, I've lost my sensi-pants.  I'm still a little sensitive and all that and I still miss home like crazy, but I think my brain is done with home withdrawals.  It's nice to see that most people's other halves are arriving this weekend.  It's almost the halfway point so that must be why.

I'm for sure excited to get week 5 underway.  We are chugging along in posture clinics and on Monday we start Triangle.....dun dun dun.....  The master posture!  Oh yeah.  We were surprised with Friday night off so I hope everyone got some more studying in along with a burst of energy.  It was great after class on Friday, Michon started playing MJ.  There were some fun girls dancing in the corner and I said fuck it I'm gonna go dance with them!  And I did!  It was so liberating and fun!  We ended up starting a congo line throughout the yoga room picking up dancers along the way.  It was so great.  Then he played Madonna's express yourself song.  So there was more singing and dancing to be had.  Such a great release that I was so thankful for.  Afterwards, we got to celebrate with some Mexican food (my fav).

Don't worry, I didn't eat it all. Took it for leftover breakfast food.  Yum Yum

Mmmm....burrito.....

 I've been noticing a little trend for the week.  Mon-Wed is ok spirit wise.  And then by Thursday I start to think that I can't possibly do another yoga class in my life.  But I just keep chuggin along, one yoga posture at a time, and bam there's Saturday and I feel great.  Since I've noticed a pattern now it's time to stop anticipating a pattern.  It's like yoga, right.  Oh how I love these segways.  You get used to how your yoga practice feels, or makes you feel, and how your postures look.  Then your body starts to change and yoga gets hard.  It throws you for a loop when you expect something.  I expect to get to a certain "depth" in standing bow and when it doesn't happen then I'm like, "what the hell is happening to me, I totally suck at yoga".  But then I have to pull my head out of my ass and remember in Bikram yoga it's all about form, not depth.  That's why this yoga is for everyone.  It doesn't matter what your posture looks like as long as you try the right way you are still getting the medical (and spiritual) benefits.  So awesome!  Our Saturday teacher was telling a brand new student in class that don't worry, the practice gets easier.  But not to say that it's easy, it just gets easier to do.  That made so much sense to me.  It gets easier but never easy.  How cool is that.  You are always learning always expanding and always suffering.  That is so important.  Nothing comes without effort and determination.

So I'm making an effort to surrender to my struggles this week and to keep smiling through them.  It is important to stay positive in this little yoga bubble and to have fun.  I need to stay focused and remember why I'm here because, believe it or not, sometimes it's hard to remember why the hell I'm torturing myself in this way.  I am doing this to make a better life for myself and my partner.  I am doing this so that I learn to not live my life based on fear of failure but rather fear of not trying.  And most importantly, I'm doing this for others.  What a martyr right.  People need this yoga.  There is so much pain in the world and I want to be part of the solution.  So here we go week 5!  Here's to a positive week 5 and the willingness to surrender to the struggle.   

The streets are lined with birds of paradise here.  Very cool.

Why yes, Dr. Preddy....That's super interesting....

This is my new breakfast of champions.  Miso soup before morning class.  It's basically awesome!

Week 3

Well, well well.  Here we are ladies and gents!  Week 3 has come and gone and as i type we are on the verge of week 4.  So cool.  I have to say that I am feeling elated to be entering in to week 4.  Things have changed a little here in the yoga bubble as we are now doing POSTURE CLINICS!!!!!  I dreaded these little learning tools cause I'm not very good with constructive feedback and all my self worth issues.  But, I was happily surprised to feel just the opposite.  It's so freaking nerve wracking to get up there having a ton of people watching you deliver dialogue to demo bodies.  But each time I do it I am less and less nervous.  And I am getting really constructive feedback as well that I am taking to heart and learning from.  My first delivery was too stern (but I think the woman was just a little frightened by my appearance) then the second was too sing song story telling but the third delivery was just right.  Can anyone say Goldy Locks.  One teacher was telling me that some people just have a teaching voice, much like a phone voice, and that mine just may be a little on the stern side but that it was ok.  That made me feel loads better.  It also made me realize that I don't really need to change me, but that I need to be comfortable enough with the dialogue to find my own voice within it.  That makes sense to me for sure.  I also need to learn how to breathe with a loose belly.  I'm so nervous when I'm up there that I can't breathe properly.  Some personal stuff I need to work on, but I'm happy to say that I'm really happy to get dialogue feedback. 

I'm also like so insanely grateful for my studio director, Frankie, and friend, Sara, for helping me with the dialogue BEFORE I left.  I truly feel like I was set up for success.  Sure, you can learn the dialogue when you get here, but that's just like the worse idea ever on the face of the earth if you ask me.  Learn AS MUCH AS YOU CAN BEFORE COMING TO TEACHER TRAINING.  Seriously, it will make your life much much easier and posture clinic feedback WAY more useful.  I know there are loads of people who come to training knowing nothing more than Half Moon and come out the other end fantastic teachers, but still, I just see a lot of people irritated and struggling with finding the time to memorize postures while they are here.  Most of them wish they had done the opposite.  So that is my advice to future TT people.  Dialogue. Dialogue. Dialogue. 

I think I caught a little bit of "The Sick" that is going around here at TT.  I was so super duper tired this week and it's been hard to tell if my body just feels like crap or if I'm actually sick.  Guess it doesn't matter that much which one is true cause either way this week was super hard physically.  I've been mega tired and draining out of all the cavities in my face.  Thankfully there is all this yoga we do here that tries to heal the body you know.  That's where I get my healing from anyways.  Got a problem.....go to yoga....  That's kinda my philosophy anyways.

Sick Face 

Some other advice I would like to offer up is nutrition for all those goat food eaters (as Bikram likes to call them) out there.  All those vegans and vegetarians who are thinking of coming to TT.  Take a good strong honest look at your diet before you come.  Is it chopped full of shitty wanna be food?  Or do you eat tons of fresh FOOD.  If you don't eat loads of fresh food and you wanna stay vegan or veg while you are here then change that straight away.  I'm veg and have been since I was 12 (I'm not bragging honestly) and I'm doing fine here.  They tell the vegetarians here that they might want to rethink that while they are at training.  But I think that's just a load of crap.  It is possible to stick to your values and feed yourself in a nutritious healthy way.  But I think most people don't, and that goes for meat eaters too.  My food choices and diet here have been keeping me strong and healthy.  Even though I feel a tad sick, I'm not out of the game, I'm still upright and functioning.  I think I'm really detoxing a lot of shit right now and that is what it is.  I'm eating loads of salads and avocados and fruit and veggies.  And I'm so happy I brought my citrus juicer too.  Most excellent for creating a fresh electrolyte replacement after morning class.  That being said, no hate for those who feel like they need to eat meat while at TT.  The name of the game at TT is feed your body what it wants.  My body just never wants dead animals, that's all. 

Yummy salad I eat for every breakfast/lunch after morning class

This is what I juice after morning class with some honey.  Soooo good!

I will never be able to eat fake orange juice again.....Thanks TT.

Anatomy.  Oh how I love me some Dr P.  He's just so very fabulous.  I already have an aptitude for math and science so I'm pretty stoked on anatomy.  We are truly amazing creatures.  But Dr. Preddy just makes it that much more interesting.  A friend of mine here said it's like learning anatomy from a stand up comic.  So great.  He's just the best.  AND he used to be a cheerleader in college.  It doesn't get any better than that.  He also practices Bikram

I don't feel like I have anything introspective stuff to share with my lovely readers right now.  I've been pretty emotional lately but that's been good and ok.  I'm def ok with emotional and am getting more and more in touch with myself with everyday that passes.  Been belly sob crying after most evening classes this week and I think that is just me letting shit go.  That's what it feels like anyways.  I'm truly learning that I am an awesome person who deserves to be right where I am right now.  I have never ever in my life been through anything like this ever and I never will be again.  So, I'm really finding the beauty in all that comes with TT.  I've been able to more so mind my own business and let go of the rude people in lectures and classes.  It's none of my business what they are struggling with from my point of view.  That's their shit and I can't change them.  But I can change my reaction to it.  So that's what I'm trying my best to practice is patience.  It's really really hard for a loner like myself to constantly be surrounded by 397+ people 5 days a week.  But I'm slowly finding my alone time here.  Thank god I brought my iPod.  If people have any questions about TT or anything like that you would like me to answer please feel free to email me at teachbikramorbust@yahoo.com.  I would love to hear from you.  Until next time people!

I am mischievous and Val is awesome!

Due note the dialogue tucked under Val's arm....Dialogue Dialogue Dialogue

This was outside a Thai restaurant....How very lovely

Week 2

Wow, I can't believe it...week 2.  It was def harder than week 1, which makes sense.  The heat got a little crazy which is the name of the game at all teacher trainings.  So for future teacher trainees, don't think much about it.  The name of the game in the uber hot classes is survival and a calm mind, which is the hardest part right.  Well, it is for me.  I think the most important thing is staying in the room for those days.  I've only left the room twice while at teacher training and I have to say that, minus the first class, the time I left this week didn't serve me.  So when the going gets tough in that hot room I'm just trying to stay calm and lay on my mat trying not to disturb my fellow yogis.

We have had a lot of visiting teachers here at teacher training and its so wonderful!  I have learned something from every single teacher here.  Jim Kallet was talking about how the dialogue is a mantra for us to use while we are practicing.  THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW!!!!!  I've found that the teachers and classes I like the most, both back home and at training, are the ones that are very strict dialogue because it helps me to shut off my silly brain and meditate.  That's precisely what a mantra is supposed to do!  So I have realized that the dialogue has become a meditative tool for me and its so comforting.  Of course I like a keen joke or story during class, but when in a posture and a teacher strays from the dialogue my mind is more likely to wonder.  Guess that's something I also need to work on.  Bullet proof right....right.

Speaking of bullet proof.....the absolute hardest part of teacher training are the rude ass disrespectful fucking jerks who are here.  They muttle snide remarks DURING CLASS to their friends about how stupid they think the teacher's story is.  This also happens a lot more in lecture and then a little bit more when we are all waiting to go to yoga class.  This has been by far the hardest part of training.  And, again, it's something I need to work on as well.  I'm letting them steal my peace and that is the most frustrating part of it.  I think I'm just shocked.  I mean, we all read the schedule and knew we might be up really really late for no apparent reason to you.  We all signed up for this.  For me, I am more than happy to hear senior teachers lecture to us off the fly about yoga and Bikram yoga and philosophy.  It's what I came here to learn.  I came here to hear these people teach yoga and lecture.  I guess that's not really interesting to others.  I seem to not be able to shake it right now and I almost lost my cool in class today.  I certainly can't make them be respectful so I need to take heed the serenity prayer and start working on myself a little more than complaining about stuff I have no control over...God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  I can't wait to go to an AA meeting tonight and hear people who struggle with some real problems man. 

Another pleasant surprise for me is that I actually like Bikram as a person.  He most definitely has a reputation that proceeds him to say the least and he is a very controversial figure in the yoga community.  It's hard to describe it to those who have not experienced TT yet.  But I understand his semi harsh language during class as no bullshit compassion and honesty.  Most people don't have the balls to be who they are and say what they mean to the exact letter, myself is certainly at the top of that list.  This is not to say that I want to come home and act like a mini Bikram when I teach, there's only one Boss, (I want to find my own voice within the dialogue) but I do understand him so much more so now than I did before I was here.  He cares about people.  He knows this yoga can change your life first hand and he doesn't want to see you wasting time with it and when it does he calls you out on it.  Would you rather suffer 90 minutes or 90 years....you know.  I wish I had the time to take a class from him at HQ before I go home because I hear he teaches a public class entirely differently.  It would be nice to see all aspects of his teaching personality.  One of these days.  One of these days.

I have to say that I am loving training.  It was hard during the week cause I got pretty homesick and lonely.  But emotions always pass and I feel better now.  I'm surprised that my body is not as sore as I thought it would be.  Must be all the yoga right?  Our bodies don't have time to store all that lactic acid in the muscles to make them sore.  But we will see how I'm feeling come week 5 or 6.  By then who knows.  I'm tired from this week but the yoga is seriously giving me strength and energy to stick with the schedule and not feel like a zombie.  Our latest night so far has been Wednesday's 3am bedtime.  When the alarm went off the next day at 7am, I was tired but felt normal again after morning class.  Then again, it's only week 2 right now and I am sure all the late nights and heavy emotional stuff will compound and gain interest.  But that's okroomie is much better at it than I am but I'm making an effort and that's enough.  We had an amazing teacher from NYC last night, Jakob who reminded me of just that point.  He was the best.  Great energy and funny and excellent dialogue.  At the end he told us to remember that we are good enough as is to be teachers and yoga students and to treat our students as such.  There are a lot of people who come into Bikram yoga broken and battered and they are good enough as is to have a fantastic yoga practice and to get something out of it.  This yoga is truly for everyone!  This is an important part of life that certainly touches my soul that I want to pass along to others.  We are all good enough to live a long happy healthy life.  It is what everyone deserves.  It is a basic human right and it is important to remember that.