To be a little honest, ok totally honest, it feels a little creepy following Spring training blogs and the FB page. When it was fall 2010 TT, it didn't feel as creepy cause I was just coming to terms with making the decision to go. Following the blogs and FB page at that time felt like pure research. I wanted to know what their experiences were like. Up until my friend, Kim, I had never personally known anyone who had gone to training. So it was nice to follow them and see what they were experiencing. Now, following the Spring 2011 training, feels kinda creepy cause of my feelings of envy. That's right. I envy those people right now. I knew when I made the concrete decision to go that it was going to be a year of planning and saving to work out before I could go, leaving Spring training between the decision and the actual going. If I had won the lottery or something crazy go nuts like that, I would be at Spring training. But that is not my reality. My reality is fall 2011 training and I just feel so eager to get this party started.
All that being said, I am so beyond words excited for the group of Spring 2011 trainees!!!!! What an awesome and glorious experience. I think what I am most excited about for teacher training in the fall is being able to take class from Bikram himself and Emmy Cleaves. While they are in excellent physical condition, they are not spring chickens. And I feel so thrilled at the possibility to take class and learn from them. What an opportunity. Not to say that other teachers and lecturers won't be as impressionable, but it's the boss himself and his most senior teacher. What a privilege.
One of the Spring training blogs has a daily update. Even though I don't update Bikram or Bust on a daily basis (I think my track record is weekly), the daily updates really help feed my envy. Wait.... Anyways, this one little yogini was talking about confidence. Watching fellow trainees delivering half moon pose to Bikram she noticed the ones that made a good impression were the confident ones. Even if they didn't get it verbatim. It is no surprise to anyone who reads my blog or is a yoga teacher of mine that one of my greatest downfalls is my lack of confidence. I feel like I write about it a lot here, but I also feel like it is a huge thing for me. All this stems from my childhood. I just felt like for some reason I wasn't "good enough" to have a loving a normal family situation. If I could name one emotion to represent my childhood experience it is DOUBT. I doubted myself a lot growing up. I had little to no positive role models around and felt alone and isolated. While I cherish those times in a more positive way now, it has left me with some "stuff". That main "stuff" for me is a negative self image and lack of confidence. I hope to always be a work in progress, but I do feel I have come a long ways in terms of seeing what is there for me and doing something about it.
The other thing that stuck out to me in this blog was a quote by Canfield, "If you get clear on the what, the how will be taken care of." I have been completely blown away by the amount of support from my close support people. I am also so blown away that I have saved close to $6K for teacher training. According to my savings plan, I might still have to take out a small loan to make sure I'm not totally broke. This is huge for me! I have always lived paycheck to paycheck and don't really have a whole lot to show for it. Saving for TT has really shown me that I can do it. I can have a savings and if something is important to you then it will happen. It has been hard saving the money. But it has also shown me that I AM GOING TO FALL 2011 TT!!!! Every time I look at my bank statement I feel closer and closer to reaching TT.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
The Importance of Dialogue
So, I've just had a little "moment" while reading my friend, Katie's, blog. She was talking about her awesome posture clinic/seminar experience she had with senior teacher, Lynn Whitlow. In this post she said that she had heard a certain phrase every single yoga class, to concentrate at one point in the mirror, but it didn't sink in until she heard it at that particular moment. This, for me, sums up the whole reasoning behind having a scripted dialogue for Bikram teachers to spew. There is important stuff in the dialogue and we don't always hear it the first time around. Sometimes it takes years of practice to really understand and put in to practice some of what the dialogue has to say. Another cool part of the dialogue is that the words stay the same but your experience with them changes. You may be going through a hard time, or happy time for that matter, and the same words have a totally new meaning to you. They may help you grieve where as before they helped you smile.
Another blog I follow touched on this sugject recently. The Dancing J talked about the importance of sticking to the dialogue in her latest post. She explains how some teachers try to add to or change in some way the dialogue to make their class feel fresh or new. But really it's not about the teacher, it's about giving the students a quality control level for Bikram yoga. They will be experiencing new things every time they practice. There is no need to add to or subtract from the dialogue. Proof is in the pudding cliche applies really well here.
The dialogue is something of comfort for me when I practice. Sure, different teachers have their different styles but they all say the same things when they teach. One of the many beauties of practicing at a really strict Bikram studio. The other I would have to say is having carpet. I really don't understand the need for those rubber no slip floors. Slipping is part of the practice people! But, I digress... I have tried other yoga before and a lack of dialogue is something that I didn't like for sure; missing the heat was the next thing. The dialogue and routine of Bikram yoga does not fit with everyone. Some people like going to yoga class not knowing which postures they will do. Not me. Oddly enough, knowing what I'm walking in to allows me to let go of a little bit of that control. Anxiety can fall away because I know what comes next, even though it might be a different experience than the last time I practiced.
So, here is a toast to the dialogue and to the spring trainees who are about to enter upon a new chapter in their life! Very inspirational indeed. And I have to say, I'm a little jealous! But I know my time is soon and that is a little scary as well. May 1st I can apply and get my dialogue soon after that. Then it will be practice practice practice practice.......save save save save save.........until it is my fateful turn. I can't put in to words how very excited I am to go to training. I have never wanted or worked for something so meaningful to me and deeply important to me.
Another blog I follow touched on this sugject recently. The Dancing J talked about the importance of sticking to the dialogue in her latest post. She explains how some teachers try to add to or change in some way the dialogue to make their class feel fresh or new. But really it's not about the teacher, it's about giving the students a quality control level for Bikram yoga. They will be experiencing new things every time they practice. There is no need to add to or subtract from the dialogue. Proof is in the pudding cliche applies really well here.
The dialogue is something of comfort for me when I practice. Sure, different teachers have their different styles but they all say the same things when they teach. One of the many beauties of practicing at a really strict Bikram studio. The other I would have to say is having carpet. I really don't understand the need for those rubber no slip floors. Slipping is part of the practice people! But, I digress... I have tried other yoga before and a lack of dialogue is something that I didn't like for sure; missing the heat was the next thing. The dialogue and routine of Bikram yoga does not fit with everyone. Some people like going to yoga class not knowing which postures they will do. Not me. Oddly enough, knowing what I'm walking in to allows me to let go of a little bit of that control. Anxiety can fall away because I know what comes next, even though it might be a different experience than the last time I practiced.
So, here is a toast to the dialogue and to the spring trainees who are about to enter upon a new chapter in their life! Very inspirational indeed. And I have to say, I'm a little jealous! But I know my time is soon and that is a little scary as well. May 1st I can apply and get my dialogue soon after that. Then it will be practice practice practice practice.......save save save save save.........until it is my fateful turn. I can't put in to words how very excited I am to go to training. I have never wanted or worked for something so meaningful to me and deeply important to me.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Experiment
My home studio, The Sweatbox, has closed their capitol hill studio (the one I practice at) for like 10 days to do a re-model. WE ARE GETTING SHOWERS!!!!! Go us right!?!?!?!?! Along with the showers they are putting in fresh new carpet and paint. It's called their bones to skin remodel, which I happen to think is super duper cute. The Sweatbox has 2 locations. Capitol Hill, where I practice, and Shoreline, way up north. While I could've used this oppertunity to practice more at the Shoreline location or tried out other studios, I chose to just take this time off and see how it was for me.
I don't have a car and it takes me an hour via bus to get to the Shoreline location and I just don't have the money to try out a new studio. Every single dime goes towards TT right now. While that is somewhat stressful, I'm ok with that for now. It has really taught me how to budget and that is a super good thing for sure. The other reason I decided to take the time off yoga was because I work 12hour shifts at my "day job" and I need to spend every second I get with my hounds when I'm off. They deserve it and it does wonders for my mental health to hang out with them. Then there is also the half marathon training. I thought it would be a good time to reflect on my practice while away from it. A different perspective than while you are in it you know...
Throughout the years, my Bikram practice has evolved into a spiritual one for me. It is my 90 minute moving meditation. There have been countless experiences of deep concentration, exploration of my mind and different mental states, which I have been able to take off the matt as well. That's what really matters for me, the ability to take our practice off the matt and into the "real world". To be present for life, to breathe through the difficult and smile with the awesomeness life gives. The ability to remain open and present to what is in life. I also have been able to connect with my physical body on a deep level. Bikram yoga has also helped develop a mind body awareness that, to be honest, I kinda take for granted. Sure, you hear it in class that you are cultivating mind/body awareness. But it really hasn't sunk in until now. I'm so glad after all these years of practice I am still learning and evolving. That's a good thing. I think what I am missing the most about my practice right now is connecting with my body in that way. Seeing myself half naked in the mirror surrounded by other practitioners is something I deeply need in my life and have grown dependent on. It has brought me many gifts and hard lessons. I can say with assurance that I know myself, inside and out.
I miss my hot room right now.
Ps....this is my first blog entry that I didnt't have to use the spell check for. Cool!
I don't have a car and it takes me an hour via bus to get to the Shoreline location and I just don't have the money to try out a new studio. Every single dime goes towards TT right now. While that is somewhat stressful, I'm ok with that for now. It has really taught me how to budget and that is a super good thing for sure. The other reason I decided to take the time off yoga was because I work 12hour shifts at my "day job" and I need to spend every second I get with my hounds when I'm off. They deserve it and it does wonders for my mental health to hang out with them. Then there is also the half marathon training. I thought it would be a good time to reflect on my practice while away from it. A different perspective than while you are in it you know...
Throughout the years, my Bikram practice has evolved into a spiritual one for me. It is my 90 minute moving meditation. There have been countless experiences of deep concentration, exploration of my mind and different mental states, which I have been able to take off the matt as well. That's what really matters for me, the ability to take our practice off the matt and into the "real world". To be present for life, to breathe through the difficult and smile with the awesomeness life gives. The ability to remain open and present to what is in life. I also have been able to connect with my physical body on a deep level. Bikram yoga has also helped develop a mind body awareness that, to be honest, I kinda take for granted. Sure, you hear it in class that you are cultivating mind/body awareness. But it really hasn't sunk in until now. I'm so glad after all these years of practice I am still learning and evolving. That's a good thing. I think what I am missing the most about my practice right now is connecting with my body in that way. Seeing myself half naked in the mirror surrounded by other practitioners is something I deeply need in my life and have grown dependent on. It has brought me many gifts and hard lessons. I can say with assurance that I know myself, inside and out.
I miss my hot room right now.
Ps....this is my first blog entry that I didnt't have to use the spell check for. Cool!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Looking at Self Doubt
It comes and goes, the self doubt, the acceptance, the surrendering... Right now I'm experiencing the self doubt part in regard to TT. And that's ok. I mentally know it is part of the process but sometimes it hard to drop the pity party when you are in the middle of experiencing that. I'm reading "You Are Here Now", by Thicht Nhat Hahn. In this book he explains, in order to have compassion and to be compassionate there must also be suffering. That one must experience suffering in order to be compassionate. When I experience these negative states of mind, I practice accepting my self doubt to the best of my ability and at the same time trying not to follow that story too much.
The good news is that I think I know where it is coming from. Ever since my year to live end and subsequent marriage proposal I have been in a sort of celebration mode, and that's ok. But I tend to forget how eating too many sweets and carbs and not enough fresh fruits and veggies plays a big part of my self acceptance when I'm in "celebration mode". Eating complex foods plays a big role in my self awareness and acceptance, in turn, affecting my mental attitude. So, I'm realizing my patterns and making changes to my eating when and where I notice it. I have been thinking about how I will maintain a healthy-ish diet while at TT. I'm pretty confident that with the advice of those who've gone before me and my creativeness, I'll be able to come up with some pretty decent and satisfying meals while at TT. I am definitely not the type to get bored eating the same thing day in and day out. So I think that will work in my favor as well as take some of the pressure off. It's hard work coming up with different things everyday. It's much easier to stick with the same ole same ole for me.
The mirrors that surround every Bikram studio has tremendously helped me accept myself as is. It allows me to actually LOOK at myself. To look past the initial reaction and see what is truly going on within my mind and my heart. The mirrors help me see past the physical outward appearance we all get so hung up on and delve deeper into the heart. Even though I sometimes think I am ugly on the outside I can see the good qualities within my heart. There is compassion, love and kindness. Those attributes allow my brow to soften and a smile come across my face even though I may not like what I see.
My weight has been a big issue for me throughout my life. I was teased as a kid and never really fit in to the young slender kid thing most people can relate to. I never have, and still don't, know what it's like to be thin. But yet, I've often wanted so desperately to be that person. So badly that it is a very negative state of mind for me. It was at it's worst for me a few years ago, prolly closer to 4-5, when I weighed close to 200 pounds! After making some big life changes, getting A LOT more active and eating way cleaner for the first time in my whole life I am not considered obese according to the BMI bull shitty graph. This is huge for me! But it is also really hard to get used to. I still buy yoga clothes that are too big. I still think I need a size large when I'm really a medium. I am also typically very proud of myself for making the right decision to be proactive about my unhealthy weight. I'm a triathlete and about to accomplish my first half marathon. These are big factors that keep me happy, healthy and enjoying life. But sometimes I am still judging myself as a "fat" person. Often looking in windows passing by and telling myself how pretty I look based on my belly silhouette. If I see it poking out more than I like, then I'm not that pretty that day. If I see it is flat and not so poking out, then I am very pretty that day. *sigh* On both occasions I have to tell myself that my self worth is not proportional to the size of my belly. That I am a beautiful person no matter what. The reconditioning is starting to work but I am thinking it will be a life long practice like so many other things.
People make life really hard. Bikram yoga, with it's mirror lined walls, help make life a little more easier. Yes, it is very important to eat healthy, eat local and eat organic. Grow your own food where ever and when ever you can! Take a moment to be active. Swim, bike run. Do what you need for your body and your mental health. But also take the time to remember to be gentle to yourself. Know that you can accomplish goals, long term or short. Be present for what is in your life right now. Take comfort in knowing that you are not the only person with your troubles.
The good news is that I think I know where it is coming from. Ever since my year to live end and subsequent marriage proposal I have been in a sort of celebration mode, and that's ok. But I tend to forget how eating too many sweets and carbs and not enough fresh fruits and veggies plays a big part of my self acceptance when I'm in "celebration mode". Eating complex foods plays a big role in my self awareness and acceptance, in turn, affecting my mental attitude. So, I'm realizing my patterns and making changes to my eating when and where I notice it. I have been thinking about how I will maintain a healthy-ish diet while at TT. I'm pretty confident that with the advice of those who've gone before me and my creativeness, I'll be able to come up with some pretty decent and satisfying meals while at TT. I am definitely not the type to get bored eating the same thing day in and day out. So I think that will work in my favor as well as take some of the pressure off. It's hard work coming up with different things everyday. It's much easier to stick with the same ole same ole for me.
The mirrors that surround every Bikram studio has tremendously helped me accept myself as is. It allows me to actually LOOK at myself. To look past the initial reaction and see what is truly going on within my mind and my heart. The mirrors help me see past the physical outward appearance we all get so hung up on and delve deeper into the heart. Even though I sometimes think I am ugly on the outside I can see the good qualities within my heart. There is compassion, love and kindness. Those attributes allow my brow to soften and a smile come across my face even though I may not like what I see.
My weight has been a big issue for me throughout my life. I was teased as a kid and never really fit in to the young slender kid thing most people can relate to. I never have, and still don't, know what it's like to be thin. But yet, I've often wanted so desperately to be that person. So badly that it is a very negative state of mind for me. It was at it's worst for me a few years ago, prolly closer to 4-5, when I weighed close to 200 pounds! After making some big life changes, getting A LOT more active and eating way cleaner for the first time in my whole life I am not considered obese according to the BMI bull shitty graph. This is huge for me! But it is also really hard to get used to. I still buy yoga clothes that are too big. I still think I need a size large when I'm really a medium. I am also typically very proud of myself for making the right decision to be proactive about my unhealthy weight. I'm a triathlete and about to accomplish my first half marathon. These are big factors that keep me happy, healthy and enjoying life. But sometimes I am still judging myself as a "fat" person. Often looking in windows passing by and telling myself how pretty I look based on my belly silhouette. If I see it poking out more than I like, then I'm not that pretty that day. If I see it is flat and not so poking out, then I am very pretty that day. *sigh* On both occasions I have to tell myself that my self worth is not proportional to the size of my belly. That I am a beautiful person no matter what. The reconditioning is starting to work but I am thinking it will be a life long practice like so many other things.
People make life really hard. Bikram yoga, with it's mirror lined walls, help make life a little more easier. Yes, it is very important to eat healthy, eat local and eat organic. Grow your own food where ever and when ever you can! Take a moment to be active. Swim, bike run. Do what you need for your body and your mental health. But also take the time to remember to be gentle to yourself. Know that you can accomplish goals, long term or short. Be present for what is in your life right now. Take comfort in knowing that you are not the only person with your troubles.
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