New Ground with a New Heart

Man, I feel like I complain a lot on this blog because I feel like I talk about the same issues which seem to plague me without resolve.  What are those issues, you say?  Well, I've thought a lot about it and there are several but truly I think they boil down to one......FEAR.....  That pretty much sums it up man.  I'm chalked full of fear at the moment.  Well, not right now thanks to a glorious talk with my buddy Angel last night.  I thought a good cry and my period would end the month long emotional torture I've been experiencing lately but I was semi wrong.  Monday evening The Man and I talked a little bit about my short comings that frustrate him.  Constructive criticism has never been my forte, and that's a problem.  Especially since constructive criticism is the name of the game for TT posture clinics.  And this wasn't a negative talk and I wasn't freaking out in the moment, but it did leave a sour after-taste.  It isn't always easy listening to that constructive criticism when you are just plugging along at life.  But when you are on the verge of changing your life in a huge way, it makes that pill a little harder to swallow.  Needless to say, I didn't want to get all self loathing and all, but I did, even if it was for only a day. 

What is so awesome about Angel and I is that we are both going through this stuff together even though we are on different paths.  She just quit her soul sucking desk job to get her pilots licence!  Go Angel!  So brave, I'm just so very proud of her.  Again, I've talked about this before.  But anyways....her and I seem to be going through the same shit.  Am I good enough... Am I doing the right thing.... What is the right thing.... WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING ALL THIS FOR.... type things.  And what this all sums up to me is fear which results in a little bit of growing pains.  As her and I were talking last night she pointed out that what makes us feel depressed about our emotions is that we expect to feel all these positive emotions while accomplishing your dreams.  Well, that's just simply not realistic and is not what is happening for us.  Life happens when you're making plans or something right.  And moving towards your goals, your dreams is a scary task that involves lots of feelings and vulnerability around those feelings.  What I'm finding more and more about myself is that it is not always easy to grow and that it involves some frustration and stumbling.  A lot of unexpected stuff is uncovered when you stir the pot and look under the dark stairs.  Hey!, kinda like yoga.  Most people start a yoga practice to firm up their ass and loose a few pounds.  Like Bikram says, "tell them to come to class to firm up their ass and they will leave with a whole new life."  (and I'm prolly not quoting that properly but you get the gist)

That's what happened to me anyways.  I started Bikram yoga with the intent to check it out, to see what my friend was raving about.  I came out the other side with a strong practice that has lead me to teacher training and has shown me things about myself that have been profound and has changed my life in such a powerful way that I can never look back.  It's important I remember that it hasn't always been pretty or fun or easy, much like most of life.  Much like planning on going to teacher training.  It has been hard and it has already shown me things about life and myself and my relationship to life in such a powerful way that I can never look back.  I'm going to teacher training because I want to be a better person and I want the best for me and my loved ones.  The best thing for me is to follow my heart, even when the going gets tough.